


Stick To Your Guns

by regionals



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: 70s AU, Angst, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Minor Character Death, Multi, No one Major Dies, Recreational Drug Use, Smut, dont reckon i couldve finished this a month ago for topfl lmao, its fine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-26 20:08:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17752649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regionals/pseuds/regionals
Summary: Josh wouldn’t have been Tyler’s first choice if he knew that he was going to grow up gay. Josh is prickly, hardly letting anyone get within an arm’s reach of him. He’s charming and handsome and barely nice enough for Tyler to find himself falling head over dick for him before he can do anything to help it.





	Stick To Your Guns

Tyler only knows where Josh lives due to the fact that they have a few mutual friends who’ve dragged Tyler over a time or two. Tyler does not know, though, why his first instinct after getting dumped for the third time in six months is to drive from his now ex girlfriends home, all the way across Columbus, and into a shitty trailer park to the shitty double wide that Josh rents.

Josh looks less than amused when his door swings open to reveal Tyler standing there, shivering in the cold of a November night in Ohio. He doesn't say anything outright _rude,_ but he does ask, "Can I help you?" in a tone that's just a touch hostile.

"I need some life advice from someone who probably has something else to say besides, _'Keep trying,'"_ is what he gets out between teeth chatters.

Josh looks a little confused for a moment, but doesn't react with anything more than a vague grunt before he's reaching forward to tug Tyler inside by the lapel of his suede jacket.

It's early (or late) enough that Josh steps into the kitchenette to get a pot of coffee started, mumbling something about how a warm drink could probably do either of them some good. Tyler doesn't care for coffee, but this is the nicest thing Josh has ever offered him, so he's not about to complain.

As Josh is pressing the button on his coffee maker to start it, he asks, "What 'life advice' could you possibly need from me?" in a bit of a pissy tone, expression unwavering.

"Every girlfriend I've had for the past, like, year, keeps breaking up with me, and everyone always tells me to keep trying, so I _do,_ only to wind up getting dumped again because shit's not working out, or I'm too 'distant.'"

"Have you tried not being 'distant?'"

"Yes, and I'm really not here for your 'holier than thou' smart ass comments," Tyler snaps.

"Are you gay?" Is his next question.

Tyler blanks for a few moments, before reaching for the doorknob. "I'm leaving."

"Don't _leave."_ Josh rolls his eyes, and steps out of his kitchen to bat Tyler's hand away from the doorknob. "Man, come on. It's the 70's. Being gay isn't the end of the world. _Are_ you gay? I don't give a shit if you are."

"Even if I _was—_ why would I tell _you?"_

"Because you're in my home asking me why no one wants to date you," he points out.

"It's up in the air," Tyler mumbles.

Josh's eyebrows shoot up. "So, you _are?"_ He steps away from the door, and heads towards his couch, so he can sit and stare at Tyler, who follows him shortly after.

"I don't _know_ if I am, alright? It's a thought I've had, but I like girls, so I don't know if I'm gay, or straight, or somewhere in between." Tyler sits on the other end of the couch as he's saying this, one knee pulled to his chest, and his other leg bent at a weird angle, trying to take up as little space as possible.

"Do you _like_ girls _,_ or do you like _fucking_ them?"

Tyler frowns, and picks at his thumbnail after seeing the expectant look on Josh's face. "I like sex, but I've never loved any of the girls I've been with, if that's what you mean."

Josh crosses his legs, and leans back in his seat. Tyler can’t help but to notice that he’s… handsome, at least in an objective way. “I know you probably think I’m some sex-obsessed asshole, and that this isn’t what you’re expecting to hear, but relationships shouldn’t be based on sex.”

“See! I know that! I know that, yet that’s how all my relationships end up. We’ll learn everything there is to learn about each other, and after that, there’s nothing left but to fuck, pretty much, and it’s—it’s kind of sucky, honestly. I _want_ to connect with someone on an emotional level, but I’ve never been with someone and not have it turn into meeting up once or twice a week to fuck and to watch a movie.”

Josh nods, pretending to be thoughtful. “You should try dating a guy.”

“And where the fuck am I going to find guy willing to date me, or to show me the ropes or whatever?”

“You could try a gay bar, or… Pride is June. You could try finding someone there.”

“Aren’t you gay? Shouldn’t you have something other than that?”

“Never, _ever,_ assume that you know anything about me _or_ my identity.” He uses a stern tone, and Tyler flinches a bit. “With that being said, yeah, I am. Look, man—you’re never going to find your person if you keep _looking_ for them. If you meet someone and you click with them, then… Well, it’ll happen. But rarely, if ever, do you look for that, and actually find it, y’know?”

Tyler sighs and makes a face. “I guess.”

*

Tyler goes home with instructions to quit trying too hard, a pat on the back, and a stomach full of coffee and pancakes. (Josh makes really good pancakes. Tyler’s willing to give him that.)

*

Their paths cross again at a house party a month later.

Josh is the weed hook up, and Tyler hates that he finds himself gravitating towards him.

“You aren’t doing a good job at convincing me you aren’t the Antichrist by dealing weed,” Tyler jokes as he comes to stand next to Josh, leaning against the wood paneling on the wall.

“I’m not trying to convince you of shit,” Josh snaps. “Unless you want to use your yuppie trust fund money to pay my rent, then mind your own fucking business.”

“I can’t cash in on my trust fund until I’m twenty five, so I couldn’t do that anyways. I’m not judging. I think it’s… cool. I’m too chicken shit to deal _anything._ I can barely play poker.”

Josh laughs in the way someone does when mocking someone else. “What are you doing? You’ve never spoken more than a few words to me, aside from your little sexuality crisis last month.”

Tyler answers him honestly. “I’m bored, and I don’t want to listen to my stupid friends talk about the same asinine shit over and over.”

“You’re bored, and I’m interesting to you? Is _that_ it?”

“I mean… that’s pretty much what I just said.” Tyler shrugs, and takes a swig from his beer. It tastes like shit.

“I don’t get you rich types. Why don’t you try flirting within your own… class?”

“Again, everyone I would typically talk to talk about the same shit, over and over, and I’m tired of it. You… seem like you have different stories to tell.”

Josh grunts, and says a thank you to the girl who comes by to hand him a glass of scotch with a wink and a smirk on her face.

As soon as her back is turned, Tyler speaks again. “What was that? That… energy exchange? I thought you were gay.”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t fuck a tight cunt once in awhile.”

“You… are so vulgar.”

Josh squints briefly, and holds his middle finger up slightly less briefly. “You’re not one to talk. Word has it that _you_ _’re_ the village whore.”

Tyler grunts this time and frowns. “I don’t like you.”

“Sick. I don’t like you either.”

*

Josh is sitting in the small strip of grass that he calls his front yard, in an old lawn chair that’s close to breaking. He figures he has a few more weeks before he falls through it. He’s in the middle of taking a drag off of his cigarette when he sees Tyler’s stupid _bright green_ Chevy pulling up. He uncrosses his legs, and lets out a long suffering sigh when Tyler comes tumbling out of the driver’s side door, tripping over his own gangly legs.

“You can’t keep fuckin’ showing up here, Joseph,” Josh half-shouts. “What do you want?”

“I have a problem.”

“And? How does that concern me?”

“It’s of the,” he mouths _‘gay,’_ “variety. Please. You’re the only other person I can talk to about this.” He tucks his hands under his arms, and jiggles his legs a bit, and Josh just lets out another long suffering sigh as he stubs his cigarette out.

“It better not be some bullshit.”

“It probably is in your eyes, but have a little sympathy, asshole.”

Josh grunts at him, and hauls himself out of his lawn chair. Tyler follows him into his home.

“Tell me about your problem,” Josh says as Tyler’s closing the door, which is rickety and doesn’t quite _seal up_ properly, behind himself.

Tyler doesn’t take any time to think. He just blurts out, “I want to blow you.”

“I’m sorry— _what?_ You fucking _hate me,_ and now you’re in my home, asking to suck me off? Are you serious?”

Tyler looks embarrassed, but he continues anyways. “I was—I was trying to suck someone off, but I’ve never done it, and admittedly, I haven’t exactly gotten a ton of blowjobs before, and I don’t know what I did wrong, but I got smacked across the face and the dude left. So. I want to blow you, because I have a feeling you won’t smack me if I do something wrong.”

“You fucked up a blowie, so now you want to use me for practice? Is that it?” Josh hates that he’s actually considering it, but he does figure that he hasn’t gotten head in awhile, and that bad head is better than no head. And… Tyler’s cute. Josh would be lying if he said that he hasn’t pictured him down on his knees before, with his pretty lips wrapped around a cock. He may hate the dude, but he’s not blind.

“I mean, yeah, pretty much. If you’re not into it, that’s cool too. I can go. I just… I can eat pussy just fine, but _cock_ is a whole other story. I want to learn. Also, it’s a blowjob, man. Like, a no strings kind of blowjob.”

Josh runs his fingers through his hair, which, admittedly, is kind of a hot mess of curls at the moment. “Right now? You want to do it now?”

Tyler does a gesture, a nonverbal _duh._

There’s a brief moment of hesitation.

Tyler worries.

But Josh accepts the offer. “Fine. If you can get me hard, you can blow me. Otherwise… no dice.”

Tyler shifts back and forth on his feet. He nods a few times, then a few more times as he bites on his bottom lip. He slides his coat off, letting it drop to the floor. Josh doesn’t let it show but he likes the way Tyler’s flannel hugs his body. He’s a little too skinny and the shirt is a little too small, but it looks nice on him anyways. Tyler steps up to him, asking, “Can I touch you?”

“How else are you going to get me hard?” Josh deadpans.

“My sheer hotness?”

Josh scoffs. “You can do what you want, but if I tell you to knock something off, then… I dunno. Knock it off, I guess.”

“Cool. Um. Okay.” Tyler smacks his lips a few times.

Josh goes a little cross eyed trying to look at Tyler as he’s being approached, and as his face inches closer to his own. He closes his eyes when Tyler’s lips touch his. His lips are softer than they look. Josh’s heart is in his throat, but he acts like it’s not.

He also pretends that he doesn’t notice the way his stomach starts fluttering.

Tyler unzips his coat for him, and Josh moves his arms, making it easier for Tyler to slide the coat from his shoulders.

Josh figures if he ever had the chance to kiss Tyler, it would be something rough and impromptu, but this is soft. This is soft and tender. He feels vulnerable. It sets him on edge.

He inhales a little sharply as he’s being backed into the wall, next to the kitchenette, Tyler’s lips never leaving his once. He’s good at kissing. It’s surprising to either of them how natural it feels. Josh finds his hands gravitating towards Tyler’s hips eventually. He doesn’t really _do_ anything, other than holding Tyler there, holding him in place, and maybe pulling him a little closer as he tilts his head, leaning into the kissing.

“I never said you could touch me,” Tyler says in a whisper against Josh’s lips.

“You don’t seem to mind,” Josh retorts, just as quiet.

Tyler huffs, and Josh is pretty sure he feels him smirk. He can picture it, too, can picture the smarmy little look on his face. “I like being felt up.”

Josh is expecting Tyler to kiss him on the mouth again, but his lips wind up on the corner of his mouth, his jaw, _his neck,_ and then Tyler’s unbuttoning Josh’s jeans. His hands are cold and Josh flinches when Tyler pretty much crams his hand into his briefs. Josh nudges him back a bit. “Dude, you’re going to make it shrivel up and invert with how cold your damn hands are!”

“I’m nervous, and my hands get cold when I’m nervous,” comes Tyler’s defense. “Can you deal?” He pouts, too, and Josh just _sighs._

“I mean, I guess, but if you’re going to give me a handy, at least, like, spit in your palm or lick your hand or somethin’. Dry hand jobs _suck._ _”_

Tyler rolls his eyes, but pulls his hand out of Josh’s pants. While he’s licking his palm, which doesn’t take more than a second, Josh tugs his pants and his briefs down to just below his ass. “My cold hand must not be too bad, if you’re already about a quarter of the way there…” He reaches down, and ever so fucking gently wraps his hand around Josh’s mostly soft but kind of hard cock.

“To be fair,” he says on an exhale, “you’ve been rubbin’ up against me and kissing me real good and shit, so you can’t be too surprised by the quarter chub.”

“Figured your hatred for me would be a boner killer.” Tyler starts slow with his stroking. He’s given handjobs before; Josh can tell. He squeezes just right and kisses Josh’s neck just right, nipping at the tender flesh every once in awhile.

“Even if I didn’t hate you, I’m not blind. You’re… cute, in a way. Your yuppie personality ruins it for me for the most part, but you can’t blame a dude for getting turned on when another sort of cute dude is giving him a handy.”

“You’re a fucking asshole and I still don’t quite trust you to not stab me or something weird, but you’re handsome, _in a way._ _”_ Tyler leans back to give him a ‘go fuck yourself’ kind of look.

Josh closes his eyes, and rolls them behind his eyelids. “Enough with the weird hate-flirting.”

“You started it.”

“And what we’re not going to do, is that. Either get me hard or—or fuck off.”

They kiss a little bit as the hand job progresses, until Josh deems himself hard enough. At this point, he nudges Tyler back a bit, and places his hands on his shoulders, and pushes _down._

Tyler makes a face.

“If you want to suck my dick, you need to be on your knees.” To emphasize his point, Josh presses down a little harder on Tyler’s shoulders.

Tyler doesn’t waste too much time in dropping to his knees. He strokes Josh a few times, and has a few moments where it’s almost as if he’s playing Russian roulette, except instead of a gun, it’s Josh’s cock, and instead of a bullet in his head, it’s whether or not he’s going to actually suck him off. After the third time he attempts to go in for it, he snaps, and says, “Instruct me. Tell me what to do.”

Josh reaches down, one hand in Tyler’s hair, tilting his head just right, and the other on his cock. “You see this?” He shakes it a bit. “You put this in your mouth, and you hop to.”

“It’s _big._ How the fuck is it going to fit in my tiny mouth?”

“I didn’t say _deepthroat_ it.” Josh laughs. “It’s not that difficult.”

“Are you laughing at me, or—or with me?”

“I’m laughing at you.” Josh gives him a patronizing little smile _,_ before saying anything else. “Suck your cheeks in a little bit, enough to cover your teeth. And use your tongue to cover your front bottom ones.”

“What about the top ones?”

“You have lips. Use them.”

“What if I look stupid?”

“Dude, you’re not a fucking porn star, and I’ve had my fair share of shitty blowjobs. I’d rather you look not at all hot while going down on me rather than biting it off, or something. I’m giving you the best advice that I can give you if you don’t want to get your teeth involved. By the way, I kind of like teeth, so… It’s not a huge deal to me.”

Tyler takes a deep breath, kind of like he were about to give a big speech, or something, before listening to Josh, and letting the older man guide his head forward, until the tip of his cock is slipping past Tyler’s lips. Josh groans as Tyler starts bobbing his head just a little bit, experimenting, finding the right pace, even stroking what doesn’t fit in his mouth, and occasionally moving his other hand from where it typically stays firmly grasping Josh’s thigh to play with his balls a little bit.

“You’re getting confident,” Josh states, as Tyler uses his mouth to suck on one of Josh’s balls.

Tyler pulls back after he says this. “Is it—is it weird? If you don’t like it, I can—I can go back to, uh… Y’know. The main event.”

Josh shakes his head. “I like it. I kind of have a thing, about my, ah… sack.”

Tyler’s lip twitches into the slightest hint of a sneer, but he doesn’t say anything in regards to Josh’s word choice.

He gets back to it.

Overall, it’s an awkward and sort of fumbling and clumsy sort of blowjob, but Tyler gets the hang of it near the end, and Josh really, _really_ hates the fact that the hardest he’s ever came just happens to have been down Tyler’s throat.

(Josh returns the favor, because he’s a gentleman.)

*

Tyler doesn’t leave immediately.

He says something about needing a minute to come down, and the two of them wind up sharing the last half of a bag of barbecue flavored chips while watching reruns of _Days Of Our Lives_.

It’s a little awkward, but they don’t talk about it. Instead, they make fun of whatever trumped up drama that the show has managed to drag out for ten episodes.

*

Josh could come up with a million and one excuses as to why he’s standing on Tyler Joseph’s porch right now. The simpler excuses mostly consist of the fact that he’s a little lonely, his friends are busy, and that Tyler’s in college, thus meaning he doesn’t work, and that he shouldn’t be busy were Josh to show up at his house to hang out.

Josh is in the middle of pushing his orange tinted sunglasses a little higher up on his nose when someone answers the door.

He’s spoken with Tyler’s mother a few times, and despite the fact that she’s _lovely,_ she still puts him off a little bit, and he shifts uncomfortably before asking, “Is Tyler home?” after clearing his throat.

She smiles sweetly, and nods a few times before inviting Josh inside. “He’s in the basement. Go through that hallway,” she points, and Josh’s eyes follow her finger, “and at the end of it is a staircase that leads to the basement.”

“Uh. Cool. Thank you, Mrs. Joseph.” He nods at her, before following her directions.

Tyler’s house is _nice,_ and Josh can feel a note of jealousy bubbling up in his gut as he travels down the hallway.

As he’s stepping down the stairs at a fairly quick pace, he hears Tyler shout, “For the last time, I’m not giving you money for fucking weed, Zack.”

“Well, that’s no way to greet a guest.” Josh has a little shit-eating look on his face, and he laughs when Tyler looks up with incredulity written all over his own face.

Tyler’s basement is kind of homey, in a way. It’s small and it’s nothing fancy, but there’s a couch, one that looks secondhand, and a coffee table in front of it, plus an older TV that’s playing something, maybe a VHS tape, with the volume muted. Tyler’s on the floor between the couch and the coffee table, with what looks like homework spread out in front of him, and an ashtray under his hand, which holds a half finished cigarette. “Why the fuck are you here?”

“I’m bored, my friends are busy, and I can’t imagine that you’d be busy, considering it’s two in the afternoon on a Sunday, and that you don’t work.”

“So… You decided that out of everything you could’ve possibly gone and done, the best option was to show up at my house, and to interrupt me while I work on this stupid _fucking_ essay?” He taps the pencil in his other hand a little harder than necessary on a sheet of notebook paper.

“I mean… Yeah. Even if I don’t like you, you’re… Entertaining. It’s fun, sometimes, to be around someone who has, ah… A different lifestyle than I do.”

“You mean the fact that I’m waspy and in college, rather than weed dealing trailer park trash?”

“Trust me, if I had the money, I’d live in a neighborhood like this, but not everyone grows up with the same opportunities that you did. Also, you seem to like ‘weed dealing trailer park trash,’ if my memory serves me correctly.” Josh plops down on the floor next to Tyler.

“If you’re here to tease me about the blowjob, then go away,” he mutters.

“I literally just told you that I’m here to hang out, but alright.” Josh scoffs. “What’s your essay about?”

“I’m doing a literary analysis on Queen’s _Bohemian Rhapsody._ We’re supposed to pick a song, then pick it apart, basically, and I just—I’m running out of ways to eloquently say that it’s—it’s a ballad. It tells a story. I mean, fuck, the album’s called _A Night At The Opera_ anyways. It’s supposed to be dramatic and do you know how hard it is to express that, except in four pages, rather than a few sentences?”

“It can’t be that hard. Just… Bullshit it. Ramble on a little longer than necessary. Use some big words.”

Tyler grunts, and sighs. He takes a drag from his cigarette, and blows the smoke out of the left side of his mouth, away from Josh. “I’m trying.”

“You’re smart. I’m sure you’ll, like… Figure it out.”

Tyler hums a little bit. “I’m not actually that smart. Pop’s a lawyer, though, and I have a lot to live up to, I guess. Of course, I’m majoring in English, and not law, but… Whatever. A degree is a degree.”

“What does your mom do?” Josh acts as if he’s interested.

“She’s a nurse. I’m too squeamish to go into healthcare. Have you always wanted to be a drug dealer?”

“I have a job, Tyler.” Josh rolls his eyes. “I deal weed so I’m not completely broke. Of course, you wouldn’t know that, since you don’t care enough to take the time to learn that there’s more than what meets the eye.”

“Dude. Can we not be jerks to each other for one evening? I don’t know anything about you, and I figure that instead of being an asshole like usual, maybe we could… get to know each other.” Tyler’s finished with his cigarette at this point, and it puts it out in the ashtray, which has five more cigarette butts in it already.

“I’ll pass. I’m not into the whole ‘opening up to someone I hardly know just because he feels bad for me’ thing.”

“I’m trying to be friendly.” Tyler frowns at him.

Josh sighs. He rests his chin in the palm of his hand, leaning on the coffee table. “What would you like to know? I’ll answer three questions.”

“What do you do for work?”

“I’m a mechanic for the time being, but I’m trying to weasel my way into trade school, so I can learn welding, since that pays better. Two left.”

“Okay.” Tyler sucks on his bottom lip for a moment, and cocks his jaw, before coming up with something else. He’s leaning back, using his arms to prop himself up. “What are your parents like?”

Josh considers keeping his answer short, considers telling Tyler that he’s not comfortable sharing that information, but he decides against it. He’s an asshole at heart, and decides to be blunt, instead. “My dad is an abusive drunk, and beat me and my Mom until he walked out on us when I was about ten. After he left us, my mom spiraled into a depression, and in the six years following my dad’s abandonment, leading up to her own suicide, I was basically taking care of both myself, and her. Walked in on her dying on the floor in the bathroom with an empty pill bottle and a fifth of vodka. Very much a textbook suicide.”

Tyler winces a bit. Josh expects him to express his condolences, to ramble on and to try pampering him, but he doesn’t do that. “That… fucking sucks, man. Jeez.”

“You have one question left.”

“Alright. What’s your favorite color?”

“That’s a deep one, Joseph. I don’t know if I can answer that.”

Tyler smiles and Josh has to admit that his smile, his real one, is kind of cute. “Tell me.”

“It’s pink. Not baby pink, but, like… A peachy pink, y’know? Is that too gay?”

Tyler shrugs. “Not really. I think peachy pink is a good color. It’s subtle. Kind of an orangey pink, right?”

Josh nods. “Yeah. Do I get to ask you some questions now?”

“Sure.”

“Alright. What are _your_ parents like?” Josh runs his fingers through his hair, trying to get it out of his face, but it doesn’t work, of course.

“Mom drinks and dad yells. It’s bad enough that as soon as I have my degree, and whatever certifications I need to be a teacher, I’m moving the fuck out.”

“Oh, so the rich boy _does_ have problems,” Josh teases.

Tyler gives him a bored look. “If you count my father emotionally abusing the rest of my family, then yeah, I do. Also, I’m gay. Of fucking course I have problems. You have two questions left, now.”

It takes him a minute to think of something else. “Why did you chose me to practice your blowjob skills on?” Josh wants to see him squirm.

Tyler doesn’t squirm. He gives Josh an even stare, and responds smoothly. “You’re the only other gay person I know, and I trust that you’re not going to tell anyone about it. Why? Do you want another one?”

“Would you do it?”

“Is that your third question?”

Josh shrugs. “I guess so.”

“Alright. I think if you asked nice enough, then I might. It’d be a nice distraction from my essay.”

“How nice do I have to be?” Josh reaches over, resting his hand on Tyler’s thigh.

Tyler makes a quiet noise in his throat, something contemplative. He places his own hand over Josh’s, and slides the older man’s hand up a little further, until it’s cupping him through his old gym shorts. “I think quantifying your niceness would be a little arbitrary and odd, but… Maybe if you can show me how nice you can be, I’d be more inclined to suck you off. How does that sound?”

“Hm…” Josh slips his hand past the elastic waistband of the shorts. “I think I can do that,” is what he quietly mumbles to him.

Tyler gives him a grin made of sunshine before dragging him into a kiss. “Show me what you’ve got, then.”

*

Tyler finds himself in a convenience store the night before Valentine’s day, in 1977.

He’s here for a bottle of Coke and a pack of menthols, but as he’s passing by a display with a bunch of Valentine’s themed candy, he decides to grab a small box of chocolates. He grabs it with Josh in mind, and as he’s asking for his preferred kind of cigarettes, he decides to ask for another pack, the kind that he knows Josh likes. (Whereas Tyler tends to go for Marlboro, Josh sticks to Newports.)

*

The day (or late evening) of, Tyler shows up at Josh’s humble double wide. He knocks three times, and only has to wait for less than a minute before the door swings open. He holds up the chocolates and the pack of Newports, tilting his head innocently, saying, “Happy Valentine’s.”

Josh looks bored.

He sighs softly, and looks at Tyler’s hand. “Diabetes and cancer. How romantic.”

Before any further conversation can take place, Josh tugs Tyler inside, away from prying eyes and listening ears.

“Why are you here?” Josh asks as he takes the candy and the cigarettes from Tyler.

Tyler slides his hands into his coat pockets, and cocks his hips. “I was thinking we could do that thing where we get each other off, and then don’t talk about it afterwards. It’s Valentine’s and to my knowledge, we’re both single.”

Josh looks at his hand as he fiddles with the box of chocolates, shaking it like he were a baby with a rattle. “What if I’m not in the mood for doing that thing where we get each other off, and then don’t talk about it?”

“So, what—we get each other off and _do_ talk about it?” Tyler lifts an eyebrow up.

“No, no. I mean—I’m just… I’m not in the mood tonight, man.” Josh sighs, and sets the chocolates down on the counter, and walks towards the line of coat hooks to cram the cigarettes in his coat pocket. “Thanks for the candy and the cancer, but… Eh. I already beat off earlier, and I was kind of hoping to kill off the last of my scotch and maybe watch a movie or two.”

Tyler looks Josh in the face, really looks at him, and for a moment, he’s awestruck. The light from his stupid lamp with the stupid orange light bulb hits his face just right, emphasizing his features, how delicate yet rough they are, and it’s just fucking idyllic. For that moment, he forgets that he hates him.

And then Josh decides to ask him if he’s going to stand there like a dumb ass, or if he’s going to say something, thus ruining the moment.

“Can we hang out, then? I don’t got any other plans for the night, because I was kind of hoping that this wouldn’t fall through, but…” He gestures towards Josh.

“Sorry, I guess. I mean, we can. Do you got a preference between The Godfather, Rocky Horror, or Willy Wonka?”

“Willy Wonka is my go-to if I’m stoned.”

Josh’s eyebrows shoot up. “You gotta take a piss test any time soon?”

Tyler seems to think for a moment, before shrugging. “Not to my knowledge, no.”

“Wanna get stoned and watch Willy Wonka, then?”

“Fuck yeah.”

*

Tyler thinks it’s because they’re high that Josh reaches over, and holds his hand while they watch and laugh at the movie.

He thinks it’s because he’s high that he doesn’t question it, and that he just intertwines his fingers with Josh’s, like they’re in some trashy romantic comedy. He even rests his head on Josh’s shoulder, and they don’t talk about it when they stumble into Josh’s bedroom that night to sleep.

*

Josh is drinking from a mug of coffee, trying to wake himself up before work the next morning, and Tyler’s at his dining table with him, with his head in his arms, trying to wake himself up as well.

Josh takes pity on him the third time Tyler has to wake himself up.

“Hey, Tyler…” Josh sighs, and reaches over to run his fingers through Tyler’s hair. Tyler seems surprised at the gesture of affection, but he doesn’t say anything. “If you wanna just go back to bed for awhile… That’s cool. You don’t have to leave right now.”

“Isn’t it weird if I’m here alone?” He mumbles, nice and groggy. He closes his eyes, and Josh doesn’t move his hand from his hair.

“I mean… It’s not like I have much to steal, and I can’t imagine you’re good to drive right now.”

“My parents have money. I don’t see why I’d steal from you.”

“Exactly. You don’t have to stay, but, like… If you want to get more sleep, you can.”

“I think I’m gonna take you up on that offer.” Tyler smacks his lips a few times, and smiles a bit when Josh’s hand travels from his hair, to caress his face. “Why are you being sweet to me?”

“You’re tired and I feel bad.”

“For someone who’s about as tight-lipped as a nun’s cooch, you’re pretty blunt.”

Josh laughs a little bit, and shakes his head before retracting his hand and taking another sip from his coffee. “You’re funny, sometimes.”

“I’ve been practicing my improv.”

*

Their paths cross yet again at a gay bar.

Tyler’s minding his own business, drinking a strawberry daiquiri, since he’s like that, when someone slides into the stool next to his.

He’s curious, just for a moment, before he looks to his right to see that it’s _Josh._

He hasn’t seen Josh in almost a month. He looks _different._ Not wildly so, but he’s gotten a haircut and he looks a little less tired.

Tyler wants to say that he made a face, a displeasured noise, but he doesn’t do that. He instead reaches up to run his fingers through Josh’s short hair. “I miss your curls. Why’d you cut them?”

Josh looks around himself as if to make sure no one’s listening, before leaning forward, and in a low tone, saying, “I got some gum stuck in my hair that I couldn’t get out. Don’t tell anyone.”

Tyler smiles and shakes his head. “How’d you manage that?”

“When I chew gum, I stick it behind my ear if I need to do something else with my mouth, and it… got caught. It’s kind of stupid.”

“You’re right, it kind of is. Why are you here, man? You following me around, now?” Tyler’s teasing him.

Josh rolls his eyes. “Just here to unwind and maybe find someone to go home with. What about you?”

Tyler swishes the last third of his daiquiri around in his glass. “Eh, I’m bored. Parents got into a shouting match earlier, my brother snuck out, and I decided that going out and having a few drinks and maybe getting my dick sucked was a better alternative than listening to my dad scream. So. Y’know.”

“Okay, so, fuck your dad,” Josh starts, jabbing his finger down on the counter to punctuate himself. “How about I do you one better, on the dick sucking?”

That piques Tyler’s interest. “Yeah? How do you suppose you’re gonna do that?”

“Well…” His hand starts at Tyler’s knee, and slides about halfway up his thigh before he’s leaning over to speak lowly into his ear. “If you come home with me, I’ll let you fuck me.”

Tyler leans back to look Josh in the eye. Josh looks mischievous _,_ if anything. “You’re being serious?”

“I mean, yeah.”

“Like, right now?”

“Do you have anything better to do?” He laughs. “Come on. How long has it been since you’ve fucked someone?”

“… It’s been awhile.”

“Alright then.” Josh kisses him on the mouth, once, twice, then on the cheek, before speaking near his ear again. “Come home with me.” His hand moves higher on Tyler’s thigh, and Tyler glances at the bartender to make sure they aren’t being watched as Josh’s hand moves over the front of his jeans. “And fuck me. I’m tighter than any pussy you’ve dipped your cock in.”

“Can I finish my daiquiri?” Tyler’s voice cracks about halfway through that.

Josh sighs a sigh that turns into some sort of soft laugh, resting his head on Tyler’s shoulder for a brief moment, before pulling back, saying, “Yeah. Shit ain’t cheap. Drink it.”

*

Tyler’s never understood any of the religious comparisons that people draw from sex, not until he’s with Josh.

Josh rides him.

Tyler fucks him when his thighs get sore.

He doesn’t think ‘fuck’ is the right way to describe it.

It’s not quick. He doesn’t just bend Josh over and have his way with him. It’s not rough and they’re not pulling at each other’s hair or clothes, or leaving marks on each other.

There’s music playing softly from Josh’s record player, which is in the corner of the room, setting the mood.

They kiss and they touch each other’s bodies.

Tyler’s not the type to cry during sex, but he understands how someone could be drawn to tears from sex, especially with the way Josh drags him into kisses and moans against his mouth, with how _tight_ he is, with his hands, his warm, big, strong hands running all over his back and chest, with how his hair catches the light just right, with how fucking _needy_ he is, and how vulnerable he’s acting.

Tyler doesn’t come away from this feeling weird or off or uneasy with himself, even if they’re supposed to hate each other.

He sleeps easy.

*

They talk about it this time.

Not in depth, of course, but they don’t act like it never happened.

They wake up at about the same time, and before they drag themselves out of bed to face the day, Tyler asks, “Do we still hate each other?”

“I find you to be a little grating, but you’re growing on me,” Josh mumbles. “I don’t hate you. Do you still hate me?”

Tyler shakes his head, and Josh feels his hand on his forearm, before finding its way to his own hand. “I don’t hate you either. I still think you can be an asshole sometimes, but you’re… You’re decent. I don’t mind you as much as I used to.”

“Cool. Should I cook before I take you to go get your car?”

“Only if you’re going to make me pancakes again.”

Josh lets his head loll to his right to look at Tyler. “I can do chocolate chips, too.”

“You’ll own me forever if you make me chocolate chip pancakes, man.”

Josh cracks a grin. “I’ll keep that in mind.” He kisses Tyler before scooting off of the bed, and stumbling out of the room, mumbling something about showering first.

*

It’s April second the first time Tyler finds himself actually telling someone that he’s gay.

Tyler’s sitting in a diner with Jenna. They’re supposed to be studying for a test in a class they share, and they decide that going out to get something to eat would be the perfect way to stall. Tyler’s dipping a french fry into a tiny cup of ketchup when Jenna says, “Hey, can we talk?” in a kind and quiet tone.

Tyler glances up at her. He notices that she’s a little more dressed up than she usually is, too. Her hair is curled, she’s wearing make up, and Tyler’s not blind to the way she subtly pushes her breasts together, which are emphasized in her low cut top. Tyler kind of wants to offer her his jacket. “I mean, I guess. What’s up?”

She draws circles into the table with her finger, and sighs before explaining. “We’ve been friends forever, and we had our _thing_ in high school, and I was just… wondering… Do you maybe wanna… go on a date some time?” She’s cute, and Tyler’s not blind, but when he thinks about agreeing to go on a date with her, he feels a hole in his chest, right where he should be feeling something fond.

He also feels bad for acting like he hasn’t noticed the way she flirts with him. “That sounds like it would be wonderful, Jen, but I… I’m not into you like that. You’re lovely and you’re a beautiful girl, but I don’t feel that way towards you.”

She frowns. “Oh.” She looks like she may cry. “It’s not something I did or said, is it?”

“Man, no, not at all. Not to sound like a tool, but it’s _me._ It’s just…” Tyler sighs, and scrubs a hand down his face. He eats a fry to buy himself a little time to think. “I can drive you home after this if you want, but you’re not the problem here. I’m—I’m not… I like men. I like men in the way that I’m supposed to like girls. And—and I’m kind of seeing someone anyways.” Tyler thinks saying that he’s ‘seeing someone’ is a bit of a stretch. “I’m sorry.”

“ _Oh._ Oh. Shit. Okay. That’s—that’s cool. I’m so sorry. If I knew you were—y’know— _queer,_ I would’ve never… Ah, shit. I feel bad, now.” She makes a face. “It’s cool.”

“Don’t tell anyone. Please. My parents would probably kill me if they knew, and I don’t—I don’t know if I’m exaggerating or not.”

She shakes her head. “Absolutely not. I’ve, ah… I’ve been with a few girls, before. I wouldn’t tell your family about something like that. It’s cool.”

Tyler smiles a little bit, and they end up high fiving before going back to their meal, this time without Jenna trying to flirt with him, and without Tyler feeling vaguely uncomfortable.

*

Josh comes over to hang out, bearing Chinese takeout and a six pack of beer for him and Tyler to share. Josh also mumbles something about having a few joints tucked into his sock before he’s heading into the basement, and it makes Tyler roll his eyes, because he doesn’t know what else he expected. (He laughs too, of course.)

He’s in the kitchen grabbing a few forks and some napkins when he hears footsteps coming up behind him. He looks over his shoulder to make eye contact with his dad, and he looks away just as fast. He never wants to maintain eye contact with his father for longer than necessary.

Tyler doesn’t say anything or really even acknowledge his father until the man says, “I don’t want that boy in my house.”

Tyler plays dumb. He acts like he doesn’t know that it’s common knowledge that Josh is kind of a delinquent, or that he’s queer. “Why not? He’s nice.”

“He’s a _punk._ I’ve heard about him, and I don’t want someone like him in my house.”

“What have you heard about him?” Tyler turns around, and tilts his head, trying his best to act concerned. “I’ve been friends with him for awhile now, and he’s not a bad person.”

“He smokes, he drinks, and he’s _queer,_ among other things.”

“I smoke and I drink occasionally, yet you still let me live here,” he points out. “And if he’s queer… That’s none of my business. I’m _not_ queer, and he knows that, so I don’t see why I’d care, or why it’d affect me.”

His father squints. “Hang out with him for tonight, but I don’t want to see him here again.”

“Okay.” Tyler isn’t looking for a fight.

*

“Took you long enough,” Josh says, voice raised, once his eyes are set on Tyler.

“Sorry.” Tyler offers him an apologetic smile as he’s handing him a fork and a few napkins. “Um. My dad wanted to talk to me.”

“What did he have to say?” Josh takes the cartons of food out of the bag, and opens them, taking the one meant for him.

“He… doesn’t like you.”

“Real rich, considering I basically rebuilt the engine in that piece of shit he drives on more than one occasion since he’s too dull to change the fucking oil in it,” is the first thing out of Josh’s mouth, before he can stop himself.

Tyler snorts, and hides a laugh with a bite of orange chicken. “He doesn’t want us hanging out, because you’re a _punk,_ and you’re _queer._ His words, not mine. I don’t even know how he’d _know_ that you’re… Gay.”

“People gossip, and I’m not exactly secretive about it. I mean, I don’t go around shouting it from the rooftops, but…” Josh shrugs. “I think he’s a little late to the party if he doesn’t want us hanging out.”

“Him telling me that just makes me want to be around you more, because, _fuck_ him. I defended you, by the way. I don’t know _why,_ because I still don’t like you that much, but… Man, my dad’s an asshole. What else was I supposed to do, y’know? Doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t want you here past tonight, but… Still.”

“Thanks, for trying to be polite about telling me that your dad doesn’t want me in his house.” Josh rolls his eyes.

Tyler blows him a kiss. “Any day.”

“And thanks for defending me, too. Not a lot of people stick their necks out for me.” Josh is using a certain tone that Tyler hardly hears him use. He’s being sincere.

“It’s cool. I know we normally don’t get along, but… I don’t think my dad has a place trying to act like you’re some evil dick sucking goblin.”

“I mean… Isn’t that kind of what I am?”

“You’re a dick sucking goblin for sure, but you’re not evil.”

“You should let me blow you later, then, to spite him.” Josh smirks, and winks, even.

Tyler smiles a closed mouth kind of smile around a cheek of orange chicken. “I think I will.”

*

Emotions weren’t supposed to be a part of it.

There wasn’t even supposed to be an ‘it’ to begin with, Josh thinks.

That doesn’t change the fact that he finds himself thinking about Tyler on a night that he’s alone, in his living room, wrapped in a quilt gifted to him by his grandmother.

He’s lonely and sad and a little drunk and he finds himself yearning for Tyler’s presence. He mostly doesn’t say anything whenever Josh decides he wants affection, and Josh likes that. He likes not being questioned.

He likes having someone to hold onto. He likes warm hands on his body and in his hair. He likes the way that he laughs and the way that he kisses him. He likes the little gifts Tyler buys him sometimes, and the goofy grin that he gets on his face whenever Josh cracks a funny joke.

Josh ends up pouring himself another drink before drifting off on his couch, with thoughts of _Tyler_ floating around in his mind.

*

Tyler likes Jenna’s apartment.

She invites him over, since he’s never been, and since they haven’t had a chance to really see each other since their slightly awkward encounter. (It’s nearing the end of April.)

There’s a sign hanging next to the door to apartment that reads, _“No yelling, no unkind words, and leave your prejudice at the door.”_

It’s on a canvas and Tyler doesn’t think it’s far fetched to say that she painted it herself. He likes it. Her apartments feels safe.

She asks him what he thinks, and he tells her that he likes it here, that he feels safe. He compliments the painting, too, and she smiles.

She explains that she grew up listening to her parents yell at each other and tear each other down, and that she never wants her household to be like that, and Tyler nods because he understands. He gets it.

They settle onto her couch after a pizza has been ordered, and Jenna asks him about the person he’s _seeing._ She seems more or less curious, so Tyler decides to indulge her.

“I think saying that I’m ‘seeing’ someone was a bit of a stretch,” he starts, “but… He’s alright. I don’t hate him. He’s good in bed and he makes me laugh, sometimes. Are _you_ seeing anyone?”

She runs a hand through her hair, and shrugs. “Not really. There’s a girl that I, myself, have been ‘seeing,’” she does air quotes, to mimic Tyler, “but we’re not exclusive. Yet.”

“So… are you, like… gay?” He gives her a curious look. “I mean, you were hitting on me pretty hard last month.”

“I’m in between.” She blows a strand of hair out of her face before she continues.. “I dunno. I’ve been with a handful of people, and I don’t… Well, I think labeling myself is a little redundant. I’m not straight and I’m not gay. I spent awhile trying to find a label for myself before realizing… Fuck it. I don’t need to label myself. I’m _more_ than that, y’know?”

Tyler nods. “I get that. Technically speaking, I’m probably somewhere in between, as far as what I enjoy in terms of sex goes, but the only person I’ve had anything near feelings for is a man. Of course, he’s a man that most definitely doesn’t return the feelings, but whatever. There’s other fish in the sea, and I’m gonna just enjoy my time with him for as long as I can.”

“How do you know he doesn’t return the feelings?”

“Just… I dunno. It’s a sex thing, between us. We aren’t supposed to have feelings for each other, yet I’m here, fucking that up. Also, he’s the kind of person that doesn’t let anyone get too close to him, and he’s a something of a bad ass, so of course, I’m _drawn_ to him. It’s the element of mystery that draws me to him, I think.”

“Yeah, but if it was just sex, would you really have feelings for him…?” She has an eyebrow raised, and a way of making Tyler question things that he would’ve never questioned without her.

Tyler groans, and scrunches his face up. “Quit being right. It was a sex thing _at first._ That’s a better way to put it. Like I said, my plans for the moment are to enjoy my time with him for as long as I can, before it blows up in my face.”

“You should ask him out on a date.”

“I would be burned at the stake, probably by my parents, if I was caught out on a date with him.” Tyler scoffs.

Jenna jabs him in the arm. “No unkind words. You could easily drive to a different city where the two of you wouldn’t be recognized or spotted.”

Tyler makes another face. “I might. I dunno. I don’t expect anything to come of it.”

*

Tyler sneaks over to Josh’s place.

He doesn’t know if it could be considered sneaking, considering he’s an adult and that, for the most part, he doesn’t ask for his parents’ input on the things that he does, but he omits the fact that he’s going over to Josh’s place when one of them asks where he’s going.

Josh looks tired when he’s opening his door, and after he grabs Tyler’s hand to pull him inside, Tyler asks him if he’s alright.

“Long day at work. Don’t worry about it. You didn’t call. Why are you here?”

“I wanted to ask you something.” Tyler unzips his jacket, and hands it to Josh when he holds his hand out for it.

Josh asks him what he wants to ask after he hangs Tyler’s jacket up on one of the hooks next to the door.

“I was kinda wondering… Do you wanna go out for dinner sometime…?”

“Dinner? Dude. Come on.” Josh basically sneers at him.

“Hear me out.” Tyler steps up to him, and pokes him in the chest. “I’m not asking you to be my boyfriend, or anything weird like that. I’m just asking you if we can get the fuck out of this city, for one night, pretend we aren’t supposed to hate each other, and have a good time. It doesn’t need to turn into anything.”

“I don’t—I don’t _do_ dates.”

“Have you ever even been on one?”

“No, because they seem stupid.”

Tyler rolls his eyes. “Lame. It’s just a dinner. If you really don’t want to go, then fine, but… One night, Josh. That’s all I want. If you wind up hating it, then fine, whatever—we don’t have to do it again. I just—I just thought that it would be nice to get out of our own shit for awhile.” He reaches up to cup Josh’s cheek, rubbing his thumb under his eye, and eventually leading him into a kiss after Josh doesn’t say anything for awhile. “You kiss me like you want to go out to dinner. I hope you know that.”

“Shut up.” Josh is smiling against Tyler’s mouth. “I think I can indulge you, _once._ _”_

*

They decide that it’s not a date. Tyler backtracks once they actually get around to planning their dinner, saying that he just wants to experiment, to see if he actually enjoys going on dates with men, and not that he just wants to spend more time with Josh, nor does he want to commit himself to anything quite yet.

He’s also afraid of making things weirder than they need to be. Josh doesn’t seem to averse to acting like it’s not a real date either, which is seemingly ideal.

Tyler’s a little jittery as he’s knocking on Josh’s door, because he’s nervous, because being here feels like an old habit, a routine, something he’s been doing for years. He feels as if he’s exactly where he’s supposed to be at this point in his life. He feels right.

He says, “You look nice,” when the door opens, and quickly closes again as Josh steps out.

Josh is dressed up in a flannel button down, a pair of jeans, and a canvas jacket; Tyler swears it’s the nicest he’s ever seen him dress up outside of picture day in high school. Josh smiles something soft and sweet and returns the sentiment.

*

They hold hands in the car on the drive from Columbus to Cincinnati.

Josh starts to understand some of the cliches about romance that he’s seen on TV. He’s never been on a date before—not a real one, at least—and he hates that he feels nervous. Tyler isn’t supposed to make him feel nervous.

Tyler is supposed to annoy him, to drive him to his wit’s end, not make him _nervous._

*

As far as non-specific and unestablished dates go, Tyler would have to say that he has a pretty bitching time.

They talk about how either of their weeks have been going, the weather, politics, _music,_ and a slew of other things for the duration of their meal. Tyler pretends that they aren’t supposed to hate each other, and the idea of him being _gay_ solidifies in his mind.

He doesn’t feel unsure about it. He doesn’t feel like he could go either way.

*

Tyler knows he should go home. He knows he’s going to be hounded and questioned incessantly for being gone for the night with no warning beforehand, but Josh grabs his hand as he’s about to walk back out to his car, asking him if he wants to stay.

Tyler asks him if that’s what _he_ wants.

Josh nods, and gives him a tender look. “You don’t have to, but… I wouldn’t mind the company, or someone to put my cold feet on.”

“This isn’t code for doing the thing where we—”

“—no, man. Not this time. I’m not saying it’s off the table, of course, but, just… c’mon. You’ve been driving half the day. Let me return the chivalry.”

*

And Josh definitely returns the chivalry.

Tyler takes a shower, because he needs a little time to decompress. Surprisingly enough, the water pressure in Josh’s shower doesn’t completely suck, and Tyler spends a good twenty minutes standing in there, letting the water hit the back of his head. The water starts getting cold, though, so he reels himself back in, and gets out of the shower, despite the fact he could happily stay in there for at least another hour.

Tyler tugs his boxers back on, and drapes the towel Josh set out for him over his shoulders, and makes his way to the man’s bedroom. (It’s not a complicated or long journey. Josh lives in a double wide.) He walks in, almost as if it’s his own bedroom, to see Josh lying on his stomach, _in the nude,_ with a playful look on his face.

Tyler could question him, but he decides against it. He asks if he can borrow a t-shirt instead.

“You can, but I don’t think you’re going to need it.” Josh is cocky. He has a smirk on his face, and his chin resting in the palm of his hand.

“See, you say that, but you’re going to be the one dealing with me shivering and scooting on up to you when I wake up cold in a few hours,” Tyler points out, without acknowledging Josh’s nudeness or suggestive positioning on the bed. He steps towards Josh’s closet, and flips through his t-shirts until he lands on a long-sleeved one that looks like it’d be a little too small for Josh, but just right for himself. “Isn’t it a thing to not fuck on the first date?”

“It is for straight people. I’m expressing gratitude, and I like to express gratitude with my ass. I’m also horny and wouldn’t mind getting fucked. Kill two birds with one stone kind of shit, you know?”

Josh winks, and Tyler laughs. He pulls the t-shirt off of its hanger, and spreads it out on the corner of Josh’s bed, before getting onto the bed himself, towel tossed to the floor, and walking up the bed on his knees to kneel next to Josh, who turns his head to look up at Tyler. “Why are you expressing gratitude? The restaurant wasn’t even that fancy.”

Josh’s face softens, losing some of it’s playfulness. “Honestly, dude? I haven’t been on any dates before, and whatever bullshit we’re doing is the closest I’ve ever come to being in a relationship with someone, and I kind of like it, so… My ass is yours.”

“You’ve really never been in any relationships before? Or even gone on a _date?_ _”_

Josh shakes his head. “Not a real one, no. We can act like that wasn’t a date, but, it was a date. Are you really shocked by it? I’m kind of an asshole. No one wants to date an asshole.”

“I mean… I think you’re alright. You just seem so much more experienced than me.” Tyler reaches for Josh’s hair, running his fingers through it a few times.

“That feels good. Anyways, uh… I’m more experienced in terms of sex, but you have more experience in the realm of actually being in a relationship with someone.”

“Why haven’t you dated anyone before? It’s odd that you haven’t dated anyone. You’ve always struck me as, like… I dunno. I just figured you had more experience than me, especially in that realm.”

“Didn’t I tell you to never assume anything about me?” Josh quirks an eyebrow. “I’m gay and I have intimacy issues.”

Tyler hums a little bit, and winds up lying down next to Josh, on his side, facing him. Josh props himself up a little bit on his forearms, and Tyler reaches over to grab his shoulder, before trailing his hand down his back, until he’s able to grab a handful of his ass. “Is there anything I can do to help with those ‘intimacy issues’?”

“I think you could start by fucking me into the mattress, and then holding me for awhile.”

*

They fuck.

It’s the slow kind of fucking, and Tyler doesn’t tease Josh when he starts tearing up.

They hold onto each other until they fall asleep.

*

Tyler’s not surprised when he gets yelled at.

He can smell the sour scent of beer, leftover from last night, no doubt, on his dad’s breath when he stumbles in through the front door the next morning.

Tyler keeps his responses simple, saying that he went out on a date, lost track of the time, and slept over.

He’s halfway through making himself a sandwich when his mother cuts in, to deescalate the situation.

Tyler’s good at acting like he’s not bothered by getting yelled at, but he appreciates it when his mother walks past, and gives him a quick hug, before disappearing into a different room.

*

Tyler wakes up a little early on Mother’s day.

He goes through his usual Sunday routine—showers, gets dressed, picks at leftovers from the previous night, before grabbing his smokes from his bedroom, and indulging himself in a single cigarette on the front porch.

Tyler’s about halfway through his cigarette when, out of everyone in the world who could’ve possibly shown up, Josh pulls up in front of his house.

Tyler makes no move to approach the other man’s car, only shouting, “My dad’s going to be pissed if he catches you here, dude,” when Josh rolls his window down.

“Fuck your dad.” He has a smile on his face, and Tyler can’t bring himself to be annoyed. “Are you busy?”

“It’s Mother’s Day. Of fucking course I’m busy.”

Josh rolls his eyes, and motions for Tyler to come closer, so they don’t have to shout at each other.

Tyler listens, because he doesn’t have anything better to do, and he’s sure that this is going to be the most interesting thing that happens to him today. Once he’s standing next to Josh’s car, he takes in his attire. He’s dressed in the most formal thing Tyler’s ever seen him in—a sports coat over a black turtleneck that’s tucked into a pair of jeans, and his hair is slicked back. He looks hot, so Tyler tells him as much.

“Mm, as much as I love being complimented, that’s not why I’m here. Are you busy, at this moment?”

“No. Dad’s been drinking again, so he’s probably going to be hungover most of the day, which means that I’m probably going to leave anyways.”

“That’s fair. How do you feel about meeting my mom?”

“… Isn’t your mom dead?”

“Well, yeah, but up there next to resurrecting her and asking her why she killed herself when I was sixteen, I like to visit her grave on Mother’s Day. I also like visiting her grave on any major holidays, and on her birthday.”

“And you want me to go with you?” Tyler raises an eyebrow, and flicks ashes onto the ground next to his feet.

“Yes. Honestly, it’s fucking sad to go alone. It’ll be sad either way, and you don’t have to, _but,_ I would appreciate it. I also don’t ask you for anything ever.”

“I’m sure my thighs and your ass would beg to differ on that last part.”

Josh sticks his tongue out. “Shut up, dick.”

“Can you promise to have me back before five?”

“Of course. I’m supposed to go over to my nan’s house for dinner anyways, and I think she’d stroke out if I brought you with me.”

That makes Tyler burst out into a fit of giggles. “I don’t want to give your nan a stroke. I’m gonna go grab my wallet real quick, but… I’m down to meet your mom.”

*

“What was your mom like?” Tyler asks quietly. They’re sitting in front of a tombstone, and Tyler’s holding onto Josh’s arm with both of his own. There’s another family a few rows in front of them and a few graves down visiting someone else, and Tyler feels a little wary to be hanging off of Josh right now, but no one’s said anything or given them any weird looks, so he stays put for now.

“Kind. Even after everything my dad put us through, she remained kind, and that’s what sticks out most in my head. She was cool about me being gay, too.”

“She knew?”

“Yeah. I, uh… I dunno. I never tried hiding it when I was growing up, and she just loved me and accepted me without questioning me. My dad would probably literally kill me if he knew, but he lives in Dayton, so he can fuck off. Mom understood that I just—I like men. And she was cool with it. She never had anything mean to say to me, and although she was proper amounts of concerned, because, I mean, being gay isn’t—isn’t cool, or whatever, she was just so fucking supportive.”

“I wish I could’ve met her in person. She sounds cool.”

“I know we’re not dating, or whatever, but she would’ve loved you.”

“Why?”

“You’re a good person. You’re funny. You’re kind. You don’t make me feel like shit about myself, which would’ve been important to her.” Josh’s voice wavers near the end of saying that, and Tyler holds onto his arm a little tighter. “I know it sounds stupid, but I miss her so fucking much.”

Tyler shakes his head and ignores the way his chin is wobbling. “That’s not stupid, Josh. I can’t blame you for missing her.”

“I wish she would’ve gotten sick, or something, because then I could’ve had some closure, but… Instead, I don’t get to have closure, and I’m left traumatized. Also, I am so sorry if I sound self centered.”

“Dude, fuck it. Your mom is dead, and it’s Mother’s Day. Be self centered. I support you in your endeavor to be self centered right now. Everyone deserves to have a day to pity themselves.”

“Like I said, she really would’ve fuckin’ liked you.”

“I would’ve liked her too.” Tyler smiles sadly, and when he hears Josh’s breath hitching, he changes the subject. “What did you mean when you said that I don’t make you feel like shit about yourself?”

“I meant what I said.” Josh sniffs, and Tyler looks up in time to see him wipe the back of his hand over one of his eyes. “I don’t even know if we’re friends, but just about every friend I have makes me feel like shit about myself. With almost everyone I talk to, I feel like I need to be someone else, or to act some sort of way, but with you, I don’t feel like that. I feel like I can be myself around you. Partially because I don’t have to hide the fact that I’m gay around you, but also… I can, like, express that I do, in fact, have plenty of fucking emotions around you, and you’re not an asshole about it. Despite the fact that we supposedly hate each other, you’ve been nothing but kind to me lately, and I really freakin’ appreciate that.”

“Even if we did actually hate each other, I think it would be fucked up of me to be mean to you like I have in the past. I’m sorry, by the way, that I’ve been an asshole to you.”

Josh waves his other hand. “It’s fine. To be fair, I’ve been an asshole to you as well. I wouldn’t dish it if I couldn’t take it. Speaking of… With as awful as we’ve been to each other before, why was it _me_ that you sought out?”

“Honestly… You had a fuck of a different upbringing than me or the rest of my friends, and even our mutual friends have had, and I heard from someone that you’re a queer, so I figured you’d have something insightful to say.”

“Who did you hear it from?”

“People gossip. It wasn’t anyone specific.”

Josh hums quietly, and doesn’t say anything for awhile; “She really would’ve liked you.”

*

Tyler’s in the middle of doing a load of his own laundry after Josh brings him home when he gets approached by his sister. She uses a tone that sounds a little too casual and agreeable as she asks him why he looks sad. “I mean, I know Dad’s gone on another bender, but…”

Tyler looks at her. She looks like she _knows,_ but he lies anyways. “The person I’m seeing wanted me to accompany _hhh_ —her,” _close,_ “in visiting her mother’s grave for Mother’s Day.”

“It’s interesting, how you say ‘her.’ Kind of like you meant to say something else. Is Josh suddenly a girl? I saw him, by the way, when he dropped you off.”

“Fine. I went with Josh to visit his mom’s grave. It was sad and it bummed me out. Nothing too complicated.”

“Why lie, then? Why say you went with a girlfriend when you went with Josh?” She doesn’t quite _know,_ from the sounds of it, and Tyler feels like he’s been backed into a corner.

“Dad doesn’t want me hanging out with him.”

“And? The four of us are on the same page with the whole ‘fuck Dad’ thing. Why lie to me?”

“What do you want me to say?” Tyler scoffs, and slams the washer lid shut, before snapping. “Do you want me to tell you that I went with the guy I’ve been fucking for the past six months to go visit his dead mom in a fucking cemetery? Is that it?” He keeps his voice down and his tone harsh.

“So, to clarify—you _are_ gay?” Her voice is just as quiet.

Tyler squints at her. “If you tell _anyone,_ I will not fucking hesitate to make your life a living hell for the next ten years.”

“I _won_ _’t._ It’s just that Zack owes me twenty bucks, now.”

“You placed a _bet?_ _”_

She shrugs. “You’re not as subtle as you think you are. It’s cool. We don’t care. We won’t tell.”

“You say that, but what are you going to do when one of you dumb asses slips, and Mom and Dad catch on?”

“Back track and say that we’re joking, and maybe get grounded for a week or something for even thinking of something so heinous as you being queer.”

“How long have you known?” Tyler leans back, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Since the last time Josh came over. The two of you went downstairs, and when you came back up, you had hickeys and his shirt was wrong side out. Again, you’re really not subtle.”

“You swear you won’t tell anyone?”

She shakes her head, and holds her pinky up. “I won’t. Pinky promise.”

Tyler hooks his pinky around hers, and gives her a _look._ “I’m holding you to your word.”

*

Nothing happens during dinner.

Zack and Maddy keep giving him _looks,_ but neither of them say anything or tease the idea of him being gay in front of their parents, which, honestly, is all he could ask for from them.

*

Tyler slips out again after dinner.

He heads for Jenna’s apartment.

To his surprise, she’s home.

She’s a little shocked to see him, saying, “Haven’t seen you in a few weeks. Why are you here?”

“Gotta talk about boy stuff.”

She makes an ‘o’ shape with her mouth.

They settle down onto her couch, and once she gets her legs covered up with a blanket, she reaches for the bowl of popcorn on the table, and offers it to Tyler. “Want some?”

Tyler shakes his head, and puts a hand up to nudge the bowl back. “No. I just got done having dinner with my family.”

“Oh? Skipped out on your family to come see me?”

“I don’t see you with _your_ family,” Tyler points out. “Like I said. Boy stuff.”

“Mm.” She picks up a single piece of popcorn, and before popping it into her mouth, she asks, “Why do you always come to me when you need a shoulder to cry on?”

_Crunch._

“It’s because you’re nice to me, and you know I’m gay, and I know you’re not straight, meaning I trust you to not be a dick if I need someone to talk to about boy troubles.”

“Fair enough. Continue.”

Tyler takes his shoes off, and pulls his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. “I went with Josh to visit his mom’s grave—”

Jenna cuts him off, of course. _“Josh?”_

Tyler’s eyes widen. “Did I say his name?”

“You’re seeing _Josh?_ You fucking _hate_ him.”

“It’s a long story, but yes, I’ve got some weird bullshit going on with him. _Anyways._ I went with him to visit his mom’s grave, right?”

Jenna still seems taken aback, but she nods, seeming to get over it pretty quick.

“Okay. Lately, we’ve been a _lot_ nicer to each other, and I did end up taking him on a date, by the way, but… When he picked me up, he asked me if I wanted to meet his mom, and I know she’s dead, so I was a little confused, but I think—I think that if his mom were still alive, he genuinely would’ve introduced me to her, and I feel… I feel like that’s what he was trying to do. And it’s scary. He even told me that he thinks his mom would’ve loved me, and he—he said that I don’t make him feel like shit about himself, which, I mean, alright, I’m glad, because I don’t want him to feel that way when we’re together, but… Fuck. We aren’t supposed to like each other, and we were not supposed to _start_ liking each other.”

“You sleep with him, right?”

“We get each other off, and we’ve had, like, actual sex two times.”

“That counts as sleeping together. So, you sleep with him, and you’ve gone on a date with him. Is there anything _else_ you do with him?”

“We hang out, sometimes. We hold hands when we’re at his place and we have the privacy to do so. Sometimes we talk about stuff. I’m pretty sure I have, like, real feelings for him. Love feelings. Or whatever. Maybe not love, but I feel very, _very_ strong positive emotions towards him.” Tyler groans, and presses his palms against his eyes. “Fuck.”

Jenna doesn’t respond right away. She reaches over, and runs her fingers through Tyler’s hair, trying to comfort him, before thinking of anything. “I know men aren’t too big on emotions, which is part of why I don’t usually like dating them, but maybe… I dunno. Maybe you should have a talk with him about your feelings, and be frank about it.”

“He doesn’t _do_ talks.”

“I’ve known Josh for as long as you have, and I’m going to be honest with you… He’s really big on communication, and talking his problems out. He can be an asshole when he doesn’t like someone, which is why I’m not surprised you don’t know him _that_ well, but trust me, man, if you sit down with him and ask him to talk with you, I’m pretty sure he will. He’s a good guy. Also, he _never_ lets anyone go with him to visit his mom, yet he just… Invited you along? If he doesn’t like you, I will be _shocked._ ”

“I’ll try. I feel like it’ll take me a few years to grow the balls to do it, but I’ll try.”

Jenna pats him on the back, and offers him her best reassuring smile.

*

It doesn’t take Tyler a few years.

It takes him about a month.

Tyler’s parents are out of town on vacation, and his siblings are with their grandparents on Josh’s birthday, so Tyler doesn’t feel guilty about inviting him over. (He wouldn’t have really felt guilty in the first place, to be fair.)

“I can’t imagine being a lawyer is lucrative enough for your parents to justify setting out pistachios,” is the first thing out of Josh’s mouth once he’s actually _inside._ “Pistachios aren’t cheap. Nuts in general ain’t cheap.” He sticks his hand into one of the decorative bowls, ones filled with, predictably, pistachios, and grabs a handful of them.

“Apparently lawyering _is_ lucrative enough for pistachios. C’mon. I didn’t invite you over to steal pistachios.” Tyler tugs on the sleeve of his jacket.

“Are you gonna let me see more of the house outside of the basement?” Josh asks as he lets himself be tugged along. “Not that I don’t love dark, dank, cramped places, but…”

“I’d love to give you a tour, but I pretty much live in the basement, and I wanted to have a talk with you anyways.”

“Talks are never good,” Josh comments before popping a pistachio into his mouth.

“It’s nothing bad. Don’t worry.”

“See, when you tell me not to worry, I start worrying.”

“Well, don’t,” Tyler instructs as he looks over his shoulder, before letting go of Josh’s hand, so he can focus on getting down stairs without falling headfirst. “It’s nothing bad.”

“You said that already.”

“Good. You heard it twice.”

Josh snorts, and he’s the first to sit down on the couch. Tyler nudges the waste basket towards him, telling him to throw his pistachio shells into it, before he takes a seat himself.

“What did you want to talk about?” Josh glances at him for a moment, before looking back to the palm of his hand, and picking a pistachio out of it.

“Stuff. Things.”

“Then get to it.”

“First of all, happy birthday.” Tyler leads with this as he scoots back and into the corner on the other end of the couch, legs folded beneath him.

“You didn’t invite me over to tell me happy birthday. Stop stalling.”

“I said ‘first of all,’ to imply that there’s more.” Tyler reaches over to shove him a little bit, and he has to bite his cheek to keep himself from laughing at the exaggerated reaction Josh gives him. “I think that we need to have a frank and honest discussion regarding our feelings, before whatever _this_ is that we’re doing boils over and blows up in our faces.”

Josh looks at him again, but doesn’t look away this time. “On my birthday? You’re doing this on my birthday?”

“I was thinking that if this talk goes well, then maybe we could… fuck. After we talk, though.”

Josh grimaces. “What outcome would you consider ‘good’?”

“Any outcome where we still talk to each other, at the least, is good enough for me. We’re adults. We can have a mature conversation.”

“Get on with it, then.”

“Fine. I have feelings for you. More than friends kind of feelings. I don’t _not_ want to have these feelings for you, because, I mean, it’s fun liking someone, or I think so at least, but I don’t know how dating another man is supposed to go, and I have no idea where you stand on the feelings scale when it comes to me.”

“There’s a scale for that?” Josh cracks open a pistachio. His eyebrows are raised and he’s not looking at Tyler.

“It was a metaphor. If you don’t like me like that, then… I don’t know. Let me know, so I don’t get my hopes up.”

Josh eats five more pistachios, one at a time, before saying anything back. “I’m gonna be honest with you, man, I haven’t… I’d be lying if I said I don’t care about you, but I haven’t sat down and taken the time to think about my feelings. My gut and my heart are both telling me that, yeah, I kind of really freakin’ like you, but I’ve never been in an actual relationship with _anyone_ before, so I’m scared of fucking it up and ruining whatever it is that we have. You also have parents that don’t know you’re gay, and there’s a nagging little fear in the back of my head saying that I’m somehow going to out you to them and ruin your life.”

“Well, my parents finding out that I’m gay wouldn’t ruin my life. Sure, I’d probably lose the trust fund and any financial support that they give me, but I’m moving out in a year anyways. I have more than enough in my savings account to cushion the blow on the off chance I were to get kicked out. They’re going to find out eventually anyways, because I can’t imagine me and my big mouth are going to be able to keep it under wraps for longer than a few years. So. That worry of you outing me wouldn’t be a huge deal in the scope of things.”

“Okay, so, you’d be able to deal if your parents knew. What about the part where I haven’t been in a relationship before? With anyone? Ever?”

Tyler hums quietly, before reaching out for Josh’s free hand, and holding it in his own. “I have experience with being in a relationship. Not with any men, of course, but I know the basics, and if I’m being completely honest, I would be honored to teach you how to be in a relationship.”

“Is that your birthday gift for me? Do I get a boyfriend for my birthday?” Josh is keeping a straight face, with the exception of the corners of his mouth twitching a little bit.

“If you’d like a boyfriend for your birthday, then you can have one.”

Josh sets his fist full of pistachios down on the coffee table. (To be fair, he’s eaten the majority of them.) “I think I want a boyfriend for my birthday. May I have one?”

Tyler nods fast enough to make his head hurt, and smiles something bordering on manic. “Yes. You can have a boyfriend.”

**Author's Note:**

> hhh my tumblr is @ twinkdun if any yall wanna keep up w me


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